Every once in a while there comes a point in our lives where we become desperate (the pursued) and the persuer capitalizes on this. It's tough being single and dealing with this internal fight. I think this desperation stems from 3 things:

1. how long it has been since you have had a sexual experience - Obviously, the longer it has been, the harder it is to resist.
2. level of intoxication - The more intoxicated, the harder it is to resist.
3. self-control - This is an important factor. Because some people obviously have more self-control than others. Self-control ensures I stay prudish.

I feel that people get desperate every once in a while, and let one factor get out of control. For example, if it has been a long time since one has had sex, it becomes harder and harder to say no. Then, the pursuer has an opportunity, it's just a matter of intoxication or little self-control. Obviously no one is perfect, and at some time in our lives, we have experienced this. We have all had our beer goggles on at some point or another.

I feel that I have been in relationships for a long time because i am scared of single life. I don't like people taking advantage of me or my kindness. I am also glad i have good friends to watch out for me, and I will watch out for them too. But, I guess I am naive. I look at the good in people, not the bad. So, my guard seems to always be down. I like having someone to protect me, whether it be a friend or boyfriend.

I care about others more than myself, which causes me to think about other's feelings. Then, I feel bad for that person and think it was so sweet of them to like me, that I feel almost obligated to like them. I feel flattered and then, I feel like I have to give in or do something nice for that person. But, that shouldn't be the case. If I gave everyone a chance who ever set eyes on me, I would be very busy. So, I need to learn not to fall for people just because they want me. I shouldn't compromise who I am or who I want because somebody says something nice to me. i am not desperate and I need to learn to stand up for myself and be confident enough not to fall for the first guy who says something nice to flatter me. And because of my kindness and naivete, I don't like the single life. But, I have been realizing that I shouldn't give in to people or compromise that easy. I am not desperate. I need to look out for myself 1st versus caring about others' feelings.

I am learning. and trying to be tougher and talk back and stand up for myself. It's a pretty cool thing. It's all about self-esteem and confidence. I have never felt this confident before I became single though. I am actually very happy about the future. It seems exciting. Now it's my time! It's time to do what I want, do the things I enjoy, be who i want to be!

I guess my self-esteem is low because I am not the super perfect girl that guys want, who are boring, super skinny, perfect body, and alot of makeup. I am not that type of woman. I don't have a perfectly cute face, or perfect body, nor am I super skinny. I have a personality, I'm funny and smart. I don't think I would ever want to be that other type of trophy woman, but I have come to realize I am not that type of perfect woman. And, because of that realization, my self-esteem is not that high. But, I guess it's one of those things I need to get over because I am happy with who I am. Don't worry about those other perfect women with no personality. But, the one thing I don't like is, they get all the good men. just because they are hot. And, it ruins things for us women with a personality and a brain.

So these perfect bitches find the good men, and take advantage. Then, they get married. And, the sad part is, that they end up getting divorced after a while because they realize that their wife isn't really what they want. So, all the guys that women like me really want are those who were married before and had a bad experience.

And, this is sad and I don't know if I could be with someone who was divorced because I want to be my husband's 1st marriage, when I find him. I want to have my 1st's with him. But, there are slim pickings. There are single men in their 20's, but most of them are so immature. There are single men in their 30's, but most of them are single for a reason - maybe things didn't work out with the love of their life, or they haven't found someone yet, or they are too picky, or they aren't the type of man you want to be with forever. I tend to think men in their 40's are a little old for me, because I have seen what my mom had to go through when my dad was sick. So, that leaves men in their 30's who married the wrong woman in their 20's and now they want the right woman. But, I don't want to be with someone who already had their 1st marriage, their 1st honeymoon, their 1st kids, etc. So, the only option is to find someone in their 20's who is a good guy. who may be a little immature, but under it all a good person. i think this may be hard, because most men under 30 seem very immature to me. I guess I have to catch "the man in his 30's who is a great guy but married the wrong woman" before he does that, and the only way is to find him just before he makes that move.

So, in closing, I should never feel desperate or compromise what I want because I think what I want isn't out there. It is out there, I just need to find it/him. And, I guess it's all about confidence, I need to be more confident. I will find this 20 something year old guy before he makes the mistake of marrying the trophy wife. I can't compromise or settle this time, and I will find the right guy, or better yet, he will find me.

8:03:09 PM

I was reading an article on the internet about negative calorie foods. Basically, it means "foods which contain so little energy that the body actually uses more energy to digest and absorb the nutrients. So if you subtract calories you'll burn from the calories you eat, the result will be negative." Thank you Terje Brooks Ellingsen for figuring this out! I have recently been trying to eat better, and I lost 2 pounds already. I dont really care about losing weight, but I would like to become more toned. And, to do that, I guess i must continue to work out, and eat well. So, I have been trying to eat more fruits and vegetables, especiially some of my favorite negative calorie foods, i.e. peaches, clementines, canteloupe, tangerines, watermelon. I could eat more veggies, but with veggies, I have to put stuff on them like butter or salad dressing to make it taste good, so that's a little harder for me to do. FOr more info, check this website .
8:52:09 AM

I really hate losing clients, whether the cause be death, moving far away, or other personal matters. I dont like fights or arguments. I hate drama. I like to just get along with everybody. Also, I like meeting new people and building relationships and getting to know others, especially my clients.

However, I have recently been having an issue with my clients. This happened to me once before and now it is happening for the 2nd time. I had a friendship and client relationship ruined because one of my clients tried to make out with me. I am now having a similar issue -- another married client is asking me to spend time with him. At first I thought it was plutonic, and now, I find he had a different agenda.

I whole-heartedly believed that men and women can have a plutonic professional relationship. I guess I am a little naive and I always think about the good in people. I believe that anything is possible and I don't judge people. To me, people are inherently good until proven otherwise. Apparently, I have been proven wrong twice and need to change my way of thinking.

I don't know why, but with men, I can forget about the physical attraction if they are my client or they are already taken. I don't like ruining friendships because of a physical or emotional attraction. I also do not like to mix my personal and professional relationships. I try to keep a little bit of distance from my clients when it comes to spending time with them. I try to keep things very professional. Yet, sometimes men cannot control themselves and have to ruin a good thing.

I am scared that thinking this way might keep me from meeting another man, because I think of someone becoming a client first, vs a date or prospective boyfriend. I think it's best though. I would never date a client, unless I felt so strongly that I couldn't live without this person. And, I would especially never do anything with a married client. I would never do anything with a married man, for that matter. It's againt my integrity, my morals and professionalism. And, on top of that, think about the other woman. How would she feel? I do unto others as I would want that to do unto me. I believe in karma, and always do what's right. I am too honest and real to be that type of woman. I am definitely not that type of woman and would never be.

Do I give off the vibe that I am am a secondary woman or a woman on the side? Do I give off that vibe that I am open to that type of relationship? I would never want to be the 2nd best woman. I want to be a man's ONE and ONLY woman, if I am to have a man.

I don't know what to do. How do I solve this problem? How do I change this vibe I give off?

• Am I that good looking? I really don't think so. I see really hot women all the time, and I am not one of those perfect women who always look beautiful and well put together.
• Do I stop working out? Or wearing makeup? I don't think I should have to look bad to stop this problem from happening.
• Am I that flirty? Do I flirt with people? I don't think so. I am very careful not to flirt with people I have professional relationships with.
• Do I not dress professional enough? No, I think I dress very professional, and cover up my body more than most other women I know.
• Is it because of my personality? Am I too much fun? Do I make too many jokes? I don't think that matters. People respect Kathy Griffin for her humor.
• Is it because I enjoy things that men enjoy more than what women tend to enjoy? I enjoy playing golf and baseball and football, watching football, talking about cars and driving cars, being adventurous, doing things outdoors. I am kind of like a tomboy I guess. I don't think that's the issue. I would think these qualities would make men think I might be a lesbian.
• Is it because I tend to enjoy talking to men vs. women? Maybe.
• Is it because I look like the secondary type of woman or the woman on the side? I don't think so. I don't know what that type of woman looks like, but I don't picture her as a professional who makes her own money and doesn't need a man to make her happy.
• Is it because I enjoy dancing? I don't think so. Alot of women enjoy dancing.
• Is it because I am easy-going, laid-back and talkative? It's possible.
• Is it because I don't judge people or act rude to people for no reason? Maybe.
• Is it because I am adventurous and playful, which tend to be qualities of the secondary woman? I don't think so, because I don't let this side of me come out around my clients or people I don't know very well.

Ugh, I need a solution to this problem! Do I start working with only older clients? Do I start working with only women? Do I change my personality around my clients, and try to be more serious.

Am I missing something??? Are all men like this? Or are all men in South Floriday like this? Are there any men out there that can stop thinking with their dick and have a plutonic relationship with another woman? I guess not. I guess that's what gay men are for. Now that I think about it....I think there's only 2 other times that there can be a plutonic and professional relationship ---(1) It can only happen if a man is married and he is 100% secure in his relationship, or (2) you have already been with that person and realize why you would never want to be with that person ever again and you both agree and have moved on to other relationships.

So, how do I keep this from happening again? Any thoughts? I hate ruining a great relationship/friendship because a guy wants me in a physical/emotional way. I don't want to lose any more clients!


3:54:28 PM

We always feel like certain chapters in our lives will never end, except when they finally do and we are lost. Moving on, leaving, giving up, saying goodbye is always the hardest part, because we are used to our routine we have created for ourselves and we are scared of the unknown.

My sister just graduated from Georgetown this weekend and she was so sad. And, just kept saying that she couldn’t believe it’s over. I think it is especially hard for her, because Georgetown is a close knit community, compared to a large school like UF, and everyone is going back home or moving somewhere new, which is all over the country. But, then again, what does that tell you about the friendships they made, if they feel like it’s over. Life is just beginning for college graduates, and those friendships can be kept for a lifetime, if they stay in touch.

But for me, I think about change and I reminisce a lot, yet I am happy where I am and I believe in the present and look to the future to define who I am and who I will be. I love pictures and it makes me happy to look back on things and remember what fun I had. But, I always know there are more fun times to come.

With all of this talk about leaving/graduating, I pulled out my old high-school yearbook and was looking through that a bit. I find it interesting that everyone writes in your book about how great you are and how much they enjoy your friendship, and then, you think “where are they now? What happened to that friendship?” People write”friends forever” and crap like that. Then, you think to yourself how naïve you were and how cool you thought you were at that time. You were king of the world, high-school senior. Nothing could stand in your way. You soon get out into the real world and nothing is as easy as it was in high-school. There are other people who have similar goals and dreams and there is always someone or something standing in your way. Life isn’t as easy, you are starting all over. Change is hard for most people, especially when they go from being a big fish in a small pond to a small fish in a large pond.

One of the best aspects about graduating is you get to reinvent yourself if you want to. You can be whoever you want to be. The people you will meet and come in contact with you are meeting you for the first time and you get to make a new impression. You will make new connections and new choices in your life. Those 2 things define who you are:who you know and what you decide to make of yourself.

So, I guess my point to all this is – people come in to your life, nice or mean, old or young, all different personalities, from all cultures and backgrounds -- sometimes we make a connection and sometimes we don’t. But, we can’t be friends with everyone and we can’t ignore others because who we know defines a portion of who we are. So, we pick and choose who we get along with and who we want to keep in touch with. This same thing happened at every other juncture at our lives but we didn’t realize it or understand it till now. Everyone in our high-school considered everyone else friends because we had only 250 kids in the whole school. So, why not be friends with everyone? And, it’s such a small group that you get to know everyone. But, looking back, you are not still friends with everyone, just a few people you regularly keep in touch with.

There was something bigger there – you made a special connection. You started your network of people you would like to know for the rest of your life, but you didn’t know it yet. It’s funny how things change when the magic ingredient, TIME, is inserted into the picture. And you realize what’s truly important to you and who is really important to you and who views you as important to them. Once you add in time and new contacts and connections, sometimes it is so hard to keep the old connections strong. And, it’s also interesting to me how things change with those connections. I always thought my best friend in middle-school and high-school would always be there for me and vice versa. I haven’t heard from him in like 9 months, and I don’t know how strong our friendship really was. I look back on my yearbook and find it interesting how things change and how people change and grow apart. People you thought you could count on, people you thought cared about you, people you thought were so important, people that were popular, people who you hated back then may have completely changed with time. I have become friends with people I hated back in high-school and I have lost touch with those I thought I had great relationships with. I have lost respect for some people and I have gained it for others. Who can you really count on, when you need them? The truth is – very few people and in some cases, just yourself. At least there is one common theme throughout your life, you are there. You are the one who has to make it happen. So, change around you is not necessarily a bad thing. It only makes you a stronger person and you grow up and learn from the past and use that knowledge to press on and become who you truly are and were meant to be. We may not even know who that might be yet, but if every connection and every decision we make in every moment of our lives defines who we are, we will never know who we truly are until it is all over. So, we shouldn’t worry about that just yet, but enjoy who we are for the moment, stop searching for something or someone better. Only time and other connections will impact who we are, and there is no way of knowing the unknown. Change is upon us every day of our lives, not just when Georgetown says “it’s over, now go home or move on.” We are constantly learning, changing, living. Life is not stagnant. Love the journey!
4:31:29 AM

Does age really matter? Is it just a number or more than that? Is there a gap between generations?

In my life, I have dated younger men. I have dated older men. I have friends who are younger than me. I also have friends who are A LOT older than me. My best friend and father was 75. The average age of my clients are 50-60. One of my best friends is in his 50�s. Some of my good friends are a few years younger than I. I can assimilate to any situation really. I enjoy meeting people and learning new things, which I think makes me unique.

I get along well with older people, I guess since my dad taught me a lot of things about love, life, drinking the Irish way, to enjoy life(life�s too short), literature, philosophy, psychology, even women� However one thing he didn�t really finish teaching me about was everything about men. I still don�t understand them. I just know that I now understand women and I don�t like them. So, by process of elimination, my best friends are gay, which is actually perfect. They understand me, I understand them and they are not in competition with me. I am beginning to learn about men and I realize that age can be very important to some men and especially to some women. I still don�t understand what�s the big deal.

My father married my mother when he was 49 and she was 26. Most of my parent�s friends had a similar age difference. I dated someone who was 14 years older than me, and it felt great. I didn�t view us as being different ages. I viewed us as enjoying similar things and teaching each other about life from each others� viewpoints. I have learned a lot about his generation: the music, the movies, the fashion, things that were important in that time frame. I think he has also learned a lot about my generation, too. I sometimes miss that I never had the chance to experience some of things he had experienced years before I was born. But, it�s okay. I guess I might experience things later on in life he may never have a chance to experience. I think the age difference made things interesting and unique. Sometimes it may have been a little difficult to understand where the other person was coming from on certain topics, but obviously never boring. I feel like I learned a lot about his generation � U2, R.E.M., Carlito�s Way, Scent of a Woman, college back then, etc.

My eyes have been opened. I feel that I am a sponge. I have learned a lot of things from many people in my life. My favorite music artists are Dean Martin, Frank Sinatra, the Notorious B.I.G., 2PAC, Jay-Z, Selena, the Pixies, Neil Diamond, etc. I enjoy ballroom dancing and booty dancing. I love wine and will try any type of food. I like to critique things. My favorite books are the Great Gatsby, Everything I Ever Needed to Know I Learned in Kindergarten, The Unvanquished(Faulkner), etc. I love the outdoors, and like surfing, camping, skiing, etc. I enjoy experience a lot of things in one day, to make myself feel like I have accomplished a lot of things, yet sometimes I like to do absolutely nothing. I want to travel everywhere on this earth. My favorite movies are Ferris Bueller�s Day Off, A Streetcar Named Desire, the Virgin Suicides, Swingers, Good Will Hunting, Good Fellas, the Departed, Sideways, etc. I will do the opposite of what people expect, just because I want to keep people on their toes. I like to keep people guessing as to who I really am. I feel like I am much older inside than my driver�s license states. And, I feel like many people will know parts of me and a special one or none may know all of me one day. And, that�s fine by me.

Back to my original thought here�Age. Is it just a number? Not always. First, you and your significant other need to make sure that your life goals/life plans are the same/similar. You can�t be with someone who wants 5 children if you don�t want any children. If your significant other wants your children raised with certain beliefs and you significant others wants something different, you could have a dilemma. If you want to to travel in retirement and your significant other doesn�t like traveling, you could have more problems than you expect. You have a great work ethic and your significant other can�t hold down a job, you may need to rethink the relationship. The list goes on, but I don�t have the time nor the patience to write everything down.

Second, do you have similar life experiences? If so, the relationship could work. If not, things may be more difficult, but not impossible. There is a difference between an old 38 and a young 38 for example. You can be old for your age or young for your age. Example: a young 40 year old and an old 25 year old could have a successful relationship (as long as their REAL AGES are close). There is your age and then there is your REAL AGE. For example, when my dad was 65 physically, his REAL AGE might have been 50 underneath everything. My ex-boyfriend may have been 38, but his REAL AGE was 32. I don�t know what my REAL AGE is. It fluxuates with different situations and scenarios, which makes me even more unique, I think.

Third, do you share the same values? Do you have similar beliefs? Sometimes people will push this off to the side because they are so in love, but it�s really important, especially as you age. As long as your values and beliefs are similar, your age shouldn�t matter.

Fourth is TIMING. Your stage in life means more than age. In order for a relationship to work, you both should be in the same life stage. You can be in the �I don�t care and I want to have fun� stage, for example. Another stage is the �I want to find the one and settle down.� Another might be the �I am ready to have kids� stage. There is also the �I have been divorced, I made a mistake and I want to move on� stage. Some find themselves in the �I lost the love of my life, but I don�t want to be alone forever� stage. There may also be the �I don�t want to ever have kids stage, but I want someone to spend my life with� stage. And many more stages I am leaving out. A relationship will not work if you have different goals going into it. If you are in the �fun stage� and your significant other is in the �settle down� stage, it will be hard for the relationship to work, unless you talk about it with the other person and find a way to compromise. I know that I would never be about to be with someone who is in the �divorced� stage, especially now, since I feel like I haven�t experienced my first marriage yet, and they already have. That would just be too weird. I want someone to have first experiences with and enjoy life with.

It may be hard to find that person, but one day I know the timing will be right and we will share the same values and our REAL AGE will be close to each other and we share similar life goals/plans. So again, AGE itself not matter. It�s the other factors I mentioned that can affect a relationship�s success. Remember AGE DOESN�T MATTER. Never let AGE get in the way of LOVE.

7:54:58 PM

I feel so confused. I don't know what I want. I feel happy, yet sad and I don't know what. I feel upset and annoyed, yet easy-going. I don't know how i should be feeling or what I should be feeling. I guess I just feel confused. Nothing seems to make sense. Nobody seems to make sense. Do I wear my heart on my sleeve or keep things inside? I feel like I am doing both, and all it does is confuse the matter even more. I think I may have an obscured view of the world, too. I see things one way, where it really is something else. I am a hopeless romantic in a world that his been changed by society and problems. I feel like I have no problems, yet other people tell me I do. I am happy with the world and I just want to go out there and see it. I don't find any reason to complain. Complaining just starts problems and it creates a domino effect of complainers. Drama is over-rated. Nobody needs it. Why can't we all just get along? Do people have to fight? And if we have to fight and let our emotions out, cant we just move on after that? Do I have an unrealistic view of the world? And, does reality have to exist? Can't we make our own reality vs. listen to what other people think it is? Why do we let other people and things corrupt our version of reality? I don't know why we let others bring us down or change our vision of the world. I don't know how we can call something "reality". I think that reality is relative. When people say "Oh, be realistic" or "Come back to reality, stop dreaming." Are we trying to create a universal reality which is harsh, corrupt, and a place that none of us want to be a part of if we had the choice? What if my version of reality is different? Do we have to hurt the creative spirit inside of each one of us? Creativity is a burning flame inside each one of us, which nobody can take it from us as hard as they try. Sometimes we lose sight of it because of what others may tell us or make us think. Little children have it burning inside of them. Why do we have to lose that trait as we age? And if that is what we have to look forward to, then I don't want to ever grow up, and see the real reality. I'd prefer my vision to be confused and obscured.

Note: I feel this painting communicates how I feel right now. Artist is Renzo, and the painting is called "My Vision Obscured"

7:55:11 AM

I realized that I don't need much to motivate me. All I need is independence. I hate being micromanaged. I can't stand anyone telling me what to do, whether it be a friend, boyfriend, manager, mother, whoever. I am not motivated by someone telling me about other people's successes, to make me jealous, or make me want to beat them. I don't really like competition because I always lose under pressure. I only like competing with myself. I also don't like it when people try to motivate you by taking things away from you. "If you don't do this, we will take that away from you." That makes me upset and makes me not want to work hard. My biggest problem is that whatever somebody tells me to do I want to do the opposite, even if it's not what's best for me. That's because I am a rebel and like to be unique and different. So, if people try to make me dial the phone, I don't want to, and won't do it. If everyone else is working hard, I want to hardly work to be different. If nobody else is working hard and goofing off, I want to work hard to be different. I love to go against the flow, try new things, do things people don't expect. Maybe I like the attention, or maybe I just like being independent and different. But, that's the way I am and no one is going to change that, and I can't even change that. I feel like my life can be summed up in one single quote: "Don�t walk in front of me, I may not follow. Don�t walk behind me, I may not lead. Just walk beside me and be my friend." (Albert Camus) This was also my senior quote in high school. But, it is true of my entire life. I don't like to be a leader or a follower. I like to do my own thing, and be independent, and be friends with everyone. That's me.
6:25:48 PM

• I want to be single, to date whoever I want, and be spontaneous and fun. However, I am scared to be alone and I like having someone to cuddle with, sleep with, spend time with, care about (and someone who cares about me), etc.
• I want to work hard, sometimes too hard because I want to get ahead in my career. Yet, I also want to not care so much about work and just enjoy life.
• I want to not sleep so much (because "you sleep when you are dead", Einstein only slept about 2-3 hours a night and I want time to get ahead), but when I love my sleep and can't wake up in the morning(and sometimes i end up falling asleep when or WHERE I least expect it because I need my sleep).
• I want to not each so much. I eat alot of food for someone my size and actually WAY TOO MUCH. I am scared of getting fat, but, sometimes food just tastes so good, or I eat alot when I am depressed(I wish it was the opposite, that I don't feel like eating when I am depressed.) I just tend to eat alot in general, no matter if I am sad or happy because food just tastes so good to me.
• I want to work out more. I am so scared of cellulite and getting fat that, sometimes I drop everything I am doing and decide to work out. It's hard for me to be consistent though because I feel like I have NO TIME, and when I am working so hard, I dont feel like going to the gym. I feel like going home after work. Also, when I go to the gym, I feel fat because everyone else at the gym is toned and skinny - It makes me sad.
• I have both the art and the science part built into me. I am both right and left brained so I tend to have the ability to be creative and analytical at the same time.
• I want to analyze everything, yet be spontaneous. I like to be ordered and organized, yet it's very hard for me to keep up with the organization systems I create becuase I just overloaded sometimes. And, alot of the time, I just can't deal with order. I enjoy being spontaneous and different. I like to do what people don't expect, even if it might be a little crazy.
• I hate being managed, however I like to manage other things and people. I feel like delegating is something I do best.
• Part of me enjoys reality, and seeing things for what they truly are. Yet, sometimes I think that the imaginary world is alot more interesting(or seeing things how you want to see them vs what they really are).
• I love my job, yet I get so frustrated. I sometimes want to quit because it's too hard, however if my job wasn't challenging, I would get bored. And, I know I am doing what's right for my clients, but sometimes I feel like I might not be doing what's right for me.
• I am confident, yet down on myself. Sometimes, I am truly over confident and outgoing and other times, I feel very little self-worth.
• I am a naturally happy person, yet also I am not happy. I don't tyically wake up in the morning all happy, if I have alot of work and other things to do. But, it also doesn't take much to make me happy.
There are alot of things that I don't mind people knowing about. I tend to be very open about things and my personality is sometimes considered over the top. But, certain personal things and professional things about me I would prefer to keep on the DL(down low). I don't like other people knowing what I am doing.
• I realize I have too much stuff and I really need to organize. I HATE CLUTTER, yet I have a big fear of throwing things away.
• I don't know what I want out of life, yet sometimes I THINK I know what I want.

10:31:08 PM

First of all, there is a big difference between WANT and NEED, but that if I address that right now, we would be here all night. So, where was I?...Ahh, yes, what I want does not exist and probably will never exists. If anyone has found what I want, either give it to me, or tell me how you did it, or I will just have to take you down. (j/k)

I want a HAPPY relationship. I want to be free to do whatever I want, as if I was single and also have the ability to have someone to lean on for confidence and support, and romance. I don't want to fight or be with anyone who holds a grudge. I want someone who cares more about me than work, and knows how to have a good time and is not afraid to have a good time. I want someone who understands me: my needs, wants, strengths, faults, beliefs, my "Kellyisms," etc. I want someone who gets my sense of humor and isn't always looking for something more, or something better. I want someone who likes me the way I am, and doesn't want to change me. If I don't want to change me, why should I let other people? I WANT TO BE LOVED AND APPRECIATED. I want to be treated with respect and given comliments once in a while(someone to realize how special I am). I want someone who will be spontaneous with me and also plan for the larger events with me. I want to be with someone who enjoys life, and most importantly, doesn't care what anyone else thinks (except for me that is, lol). I want someone who tells the truth. I want someone who genuinely cares about me and puts me 1st above others and other things. When your partner thinks to do something, they automatically think of you coming along as well. (You are an extention of them.) I want someone who will do ANYTHING to spend time with you, even leave work early, or skip out on work, or skip out on a guys night out to spend time with you or miss a golf game for you. I want the sex to be fabulous, and I want someone to cuddle with. I want someone who listens to me (doesn't just talk about themselves) and naturally cares about things that are going on in MY LIFE. I want someone who gives me confidence(vs. taking it away), builds me up and makes me feel good about myself (there's enough negativity in this world already, and I never give myself enough credit anyway, I need alot of help there). I need someone to be cheering me on(a cheerleader can't cheer for herself). I want someone who does little things to suprise me and show that he cares. I want someone who knows me better than I know myself and knows how important spending time with the other person is, as well as spending time with your friends (both mutual friends, and your separate friends ---- a good support system is necessary to be successful in life). I want someone who embraces my faults and quirks and doesn't feel the need to change me. I want someone I can be myself around, who I don't have to impress. I want someone who LOVES me.

I just want to be happy. But, obviously there are different levels of happy. I am always happy, but not truly HAPPY. So, maybe there is no way to truly find what I am looking for, so I should stop the search now and just get over it. Just realize that I will never find it. It would definitely make my life alot easier. Now, I have to convince myself, that there is no such thing as truly HAPPY. Plain happy is enough, and I should settle for plain happy.

Kind of like the perfect investment: 10% guaranteed return, with low risk, liquidity, and protected from all creditors and divorce situations. Yeah right! Just move on, it's never going to happen, just make the best of what you have and hope for the best.

3:02:21 AM

I am the type of person that believes sometimes things happen for a reason. I try to make sense of my life and all the little things that happen in it. I try to find patterns and things to contemplate about. I like to believe in signs because it makes things interesting and it makes me feel like there is a God or a higher power. And sometimes I think the spirits of the deceased are trying to tell us things, so they send us signs so we know they are watching over us.

Recently, alot of weird things have been happening and I tend to think it may mean something. But, some people think I am reading too much into things. I dont know what exactly these things mean, but that's what's cool about it. We can make of it what we want. Just like a fortune or a horoscope, you are told something about yourself, and you can choose what it's supposed to mean by thinking about your particular situation.

First, I was telling someone earlier about a dream that Jon had about my father right around the time he passed away. My dad, John, was driving the car and Jon(my boyfriend) and I were riding in the back seat. We were on a trip somewhere and dad was commenting that he was getting tired and asked Jon if he would drive for a little while. Then, Jon and dad switched places and dad rode in the back with me, while Jon drove. Then, Jon woke up from this dream.

This dream is interesting for many reasons.

• This was around the time my dad passed away.
• No one else was in the car, like my sister or mom or any other friends.
• At the time of the dream, there was no way that dad could drive - he probably hadn't driven for 4-5years.
• We were in a car, riding somewhere, like we were on a journey, the journey of life.
• etc.

A very interesting thing happened to me today, I went to Boca Ale House to check my business card bowl (where customers of Boca Ale House drop their business cards to try to win a free lunch for them and up to 10 friends) and I was looking through the cards and one of the names was rather interesting. It was "Jon Boyle." I thought I was dreaming/hallucinating, but the card is real. I came home and showed my roommate to prove it.

This is again very interesting.

• First, i have been thinking about Jon, my boyfriend all day.
• My last name is Boyle. My dad's name is/was JOHN BOYLE. And my boyfriend's name is JON. (However, if Jon and I ever got married, it would work the other way around. I would take his last name not vice versa. I would be Kelly Ulin, not that he would be Jon Boyle. But that would be pretty cool if we could do it the other way because I want to carry on my dad's last name)
• I am very interested to meet this guy, Jon Boyle. He sounds very interesting. Or maybe there really is no Jon Boyle, and my dad was trying to communicate with me, that he likes Jon and Jon's the one for me. Does this mean that Jon and I are supposed to be together, and if we decide to go our separate ways, we are going against dad's wishes? (Or is this even what dad wants? Am I reading too much into this, or do I just want to believe in something and believe in true romance?)
• No one really knows the answer, but I think it was rather odd especially because Jon and I are on a break and we are supposed to both be taking a step back and deciding what we want out of life and our relationship.
• etc.

Another interesting thing that happened recently was that I changed the wallpaper on my phone, so Jon was no longer on the wallpaper. And, suddenly, on Saturday night, my phone did a hard reset, and I had no clue, but I lost all my data, including my dialed calls, my photos, the background photo of Jon, etc, So, the only thing I could do was hot-sync it to my computer to restore it to the last time I saved my info. And, as soon as I performed the hot-sync, there was my Jon again, on the wallpaper. It kind of confused me at 1st as to why he was on my phone, but then, I realize that was what I had chose for my wallpaper before my last hotsync. It was like the phone or someone or some power didn't want me to take his picture off my phone.

It is so hard for me not to believe in signs because I like the sense of mystery and something supernatural/metaphysical that it brings to the table. I just wish I knew what these signs mean or why they happen to me. But, I truly do enjoy analyzing these little coincidences that are out of my control and trying to make sense of them and how they relate to my life and then, the world.

8:43:40 PM

In my line of work, financial planning, I meet alot of people and I help alot of people plan for the future and have the honor of digging deep into their financial situations. Most people don't have everything figured out, but in general, I run into 2 types of people:

1. Those who are more concerned about the future vs. today
2. Those who are more concerned about today vs. the future

Growing up, I had the privilege of growing up in a household where the future was more important. My family loved to be prepared and we would save for the future 1st and then, if there was money left over, then we could enjoy things today. In a sense, these behavior traits makes you feel grateful for what you have and what you can do and who you are spending time with.

On the other hand, if you do everything now, I feel that you don't appreciate those things as much, and you become accustomed to having everything NOW, so it becomes harder to deal with downsizing in the future. And, you have nothing to look forward to.

I am probably more of the "Carpe Diem" type because you never know what may happen tomorrow. You could die tomorrow, you could become disabled tomorrow, or something could happen to someone else in your family. I am a big fan of family reunions, get-togethers/parties, living life to it's fullest. But, lucky for me, I don't lose sight of the future because I am reminded every day to save and plan(because I help other people do that).

These 2 personality types are interesting to think about and decide what you are, but it's important to make sure your significant other and you are on the same page with your plans. Sometimes, it may be a good thing to have one person be the "tomorrow" person, and another be the "today" person, as long as there is a good balance and you both understand the other person's personality. However, if one person is to one EXTREME, it can be difficult.

This has actually come to fruition recently in my relationship. All of the sudden my significant other had an epiphany about the future because of a recent birthday. He decided he needed time to think about where's at right now, and what he wants to do going forward. He's concerned about getting older and not knowing what he wants out of life and if he wants to be with me forever. I, on the other hand, the "today person", say "who cares?" You don't need to make your mind up about that TODAY.

No matter how much or how hard you PLAN or PREPARE, things can always get screwed up anyway. I don't take life TOO seriously as we all know. All I want is to be happy today. If I am happy today, hopefully that will carry over to tomorrow, and so on. Don't waste your time thinking about things you can't control. It's interesting that even at a young age I had this realization. It must have come from one of my many talks with my father about life. He is also a believer in the today philosophy. He used to see sick people all day when he was practicing medicine, so he knows that life is too short. You have to make the best of it. Even if you are unhappy about something and there's nothing you can do, don't let it ruin your day, week, month, year, life. When you look back on your life, you want to remember the good memories, not the things you were mad at or people you are upset at. You only have one life to live, so LIVE it. When you are older, you don't want to look back on your life, and be the downer, be the person who's always complaining and telling people about the house you wish you had bought, the dog you wish you had, the friends and family you wished you spent more time with, the exciting opportunities that you missed, the memories that you were never a part of(because you weren't there), the places you wished you visited, the job offer you wished you had taken, the person you wished you had married (but you were too stupid to realize how much you cared about them and them about you), the chances you wished you had taken. You want to look back and tell your family about all the fun and exciting things you did, the people that you know/knew, the places you have visited. [Come on...what story would you rather grandma or grandpa tell you? "Oh, I remember that picture, it was taken on the cruise to Alaska with wife and best friend for our 5th wedding anniversary. We rode in canoes and saw wild animals and icebergs and rode on a train up this huge mountain. You wouldn't believe the scenery there, there's nothing else like it. I remember feeling to myself there is nothing better than being here with my gorgeous wife and seeing the world with her." OR "I remember Bill and Nancy said they went to Alaska once. I have never been I always wanted to go. I heard it's really breathtaking, but I can't go now. My back pain just won't go away for long enough. I wish I was still young again. Thinking of things I have never done, I have always wanted to go skydiving and I wished I had just asked Jame to marry me, she was the kindest, funniest and most beautiful woman I had ever met, and we had been together for 5 years and I should have popped the question, but then Joe came along and tricked her into thinking that he cared her more than me. I wonder what Jane is up to now?"]

I think this also comes back to appreciating the little things. Sometimes people are so caught up in what's going on around them and their own life that they forget to sit back and smell the roses, and just ENJOY LIFE. Sometimes, even I admit, it's hard to see the big picture because we get caught up in day to day crap, but life is a beautiful thing and we need to embrace it and appreciate it. You don't know what you've got till it's gone. If someone tells me they want to do something, I do it. If no one else is doing anything, I invite people over for a get together. If a friend is sad, I try to cheer them up. If I get angry at someone/something, I get over it the next day. If there's something that I have always wanted to do, I make sure I make time to do it. If opportunities are in front of my face, I don't care how busy I am or is this really what I should be doing, or will this be profitable, or whatever...if an opportunity arises, I will take advantage of it. Sometimes I may be too spontaneous or live too much in the moment, and sometimes I don't think about the consequences (like most true alcoholics -- love to drink, and forget about the hangover part until the next day), but WHO CARES? Wouldn't you rather enjoy your life vs watch other people enjoy theirs. Whenever something arises and I have to make a decision, I think to myself, "If I don't do this, will I look back tomorrow and wished I had done it?" That's how my brain works. Some people may think I have TOO MUCH FUN, but I don't care. I am truly happy not many people can say that without lying. I enjoy my life, and I enjoy being ME. I wouldn't want to have anyone else's life. And, I don't regret anything I have done.

If you can take two thing away from all this, here it is:


1. Don't be so concerned about the future that you forget to LIVE TODAY.
2. Never have regrets.

12:09:44 PM

12:09:44 PM

I dont play games in relationships and wouldn't even know where to start. However, I figured I would try to get my ex-boyfriend who works with me, who recently broke up with me, to realize he really does miss me. Apparently, he still cares about me, but I don't think he knows or remembers how much he really loves me because we haven't been together for a while. So, my goal is to help him REMEMBER how much fun we had together and how much he loves me.

Part 1 - MUSIC CD: I dropped off a CD for him that had probably 20 different songs on it that remind me of him, or we used to consider one of "our songs," or songs we love from artists we saw in concert together.

Part 2 - A PHOTO A DAY: I have been dropping off a photo every day under my ex's door to his office for him to find the next day. Pretty soon, I think he will get the idea, and maybe it will make him think of the good memories we had together.

I am curious to see how long this will take for him to realize that what we had was actually great, and that he really misses me.

8:32:13 PM

I hate competition, especially when its someone close to you. I don't like to fight. I don't like being jealous, becuase I am not a jealous person. However, it's hard to not be jealous or spiteful when it's so close to home and you have to deal with it everyday. I don't know if it's that I am jealous of his success. Or that I am just upset that we don't spend enough time together and I don't feel like I am getting anything back from the relationship. It's like his success hurts our relationship in 3 ways. 1) The more events and work-related things he does, the less time we spend together. 2) It makes me upset or jealous that he's not doing those events WITH ME. Or that he's doing those events and I am not doing any events. 3) I feel like he turns everything we do into a chance to solicit somebody for business. (ex- last time we went to Cold Stone, he talked one of the workers into giving him the owners' phone #)(ex - we started learning to play golf for us, something for us to do together, now he's trying to use golf as a way to solicit people)

Another key concern I have about this new found reason to work twice as hard as usual, is that I feel he's doing it for the wrong reasons. I think his success is determined by money he makes, or that he solicits people with the thought of money in the back of his mind. Where I think totally different about things -- I think of success as helping others. That is the focus -- helping others do well, and in turn I know it will help myself, but I put others first. And I don't like people who put themselves 1st and I know there are a whole lot of those people in South Florida and I hate that. But, I think the root of all our problems relates back to TIME. We don't spend enough time together. He works TOO much and brings work home and stuff. By doing that, we never get away from work. We work together and leave work at 10pm at the earliest every night; sometime we are there till 1 am even. He promised me that he would have more time once he passed his CFP exam and the opposite is true. We spent more time together before he passed the exam. And, some of it may have been because he was trying to court me or whatever. Sometimes, it's all about the thrill of the hunt. It saddens me that we have grown so apart all of the sudden and it's all because we both have the same job, that we are doomed. The worst part about it is, I have begun to associate him with work. So, whenever I see him, I think WORK, and just can't be fun or romantic around him anymore. I am such a different person around my friends, more fun and laidback and I enjoy doing things. It's hard for me to get in the mood to do anything with him anymore. It's really weird. So, then I think to myself, because neither of us is going to leave our jobs, and we are stuck dealing with the same pressures and problems and we feel this weird competition feeling(but not purposely), would it be best of we went or separate ways? Maybe we should put the relationship on hold till one of us leaves our job or moves into a new office? Work should not be able to ruin or personal life and it stresses me out that someone else may have their priorities in a different order.

7:30:42 PM

I love to have fun, however having fun means spending $. On the other hand, I want to save $ to fix up my house, and by doing that, I need to be careful spending $ on other fun stuff. However, I don't want to give up doing things I enjoy because that keeps me sane. It's what I look forward to every weekend, but I really don't want to spend $, however I don't want to just sit home and I dont want to go do things and let other people pay for me. So, here I am, stuck in the middle. Life in Gainesville is so much easier, there is no where to go really, and people have get-together's at their homes, much more fun and much cheaper. I really miss Gville sometimes!
9:17:12 PM

I used to dream, hope and pray that my dad would live forever and I didn�t know what I would do if he wasn�t alive. I wouldn�t want to be on this earth if he wasn�t. But, you know what, I think we all grow wiser in our old age and realize that we can�t live forever and death is inevitable, no matter how much you try to forget about it or ignore it. So, I actually think this patch in my life has taught me to be stronger and wiser, because I now know that I am here to help carry out his wishes. And, there�s not a day or even an hour that goes by where I don�t think of my dad and his greatness. Other people may try to block out death and the deceased from their mind to try to keep themselves happy, but that may not be what�s best in the end. We have to confront our fears head on. So, my fear actually may be different than most. I am not afraid of dying, getting into a car accident, being poor or losing touch with a dear friend. My greatest fear is forgetting(maybe that�s why I am so obsessed with writing a blog, writing a journal, videoing my life and taking thousands of pictures every year � because I don�t want to FORGET)�forgetting who I am, why I am here on this earth, forgetting my family/friends, forgetting all the crazy stories I have from my childhood, forgetting my keys or other precious things somewhere, forgetting my thoughts, forgetting what it feels like to love, forgetting my memories, forgetting what FUN feels like, forgetting those who have lost their livese fighting for our country and for freedom, forgetting those who have touched my life (my mentors), forgetting my ancestors and most importantly, forgetting my dad! I will never EVER forget him and I�m sure he knows that. And, in my personal opinion, when people forget those that have died before us, because they want don�t want to be sad, have some major problems. Because now when I think about dad, I don�t get sad, I feel ever so happy that I knew him and I had to opportunity to be so close to him. If we forgot those amazing people who have gone before us, I feel we are disrespecting them and being dishonorable. It�s all about respect. I respect my dad and I will never forget him or try to push his memory away, because he is what keeps me strong and makes me yearn for more!
11:03:57 PM

Different people handle the thought of death differently. Some try to never think about it, and change the subject when it is brought up. Others face the subject head on, and realize it is the inevitable. Some feel more emotionally about it while others think about it rationally. Some believe it�s something they have to deal with while others try to learn from it. Some try not to bring up thoughts of the deceased because it may seem morbid and upset others in their company. Others want to remember those fallen warriors and revisit stories and memories, no matter how much it hurts. It�s out of respect that we remember them and never forget. A wise man once said, (and you should know who this was) �that which does not kill me, makes me stronger.� So based on this premise, we must be at our strongest when we fall to our deaths. How can that be? The way I look at it is, there are many types of strength�most importantly, physical(on the outside) and mental/spiritual/emotional(on the inside). They play off of one another. When we get hurt physically, it strengthens us mentally, and I think the opposite is true as well. If we get hurt enough mentally, we won�t push to our potential physically. As we age, I feel we may get weaker physically, but our hearts and minds pick up the slack. Can a young person ever be WISE? Can an old person ever be INNOCENT? This may be possible in a one trillionth of a chance or more, but for the most part, NO. That�s why we listen to our elders and respect them, because they ARE WISE. That�s why we look you our decendents and think, how sweet and innocent, because they do not know what lies ahead, what we have seen/what we know. That�s what makes life so interesting and exciting. You never know what stage of WISDOM and INNOCENCE another mortal is experiencing. You should never judge others, or it may just come back to haunt you. Another thing that really gets me thinking is that�sometimes we pray or dream or wish that a loved one will never die, or that we ourselves will never die. Sometimes we may want the opposite, to never grow up/grow old and we would rather die young. I think we all were put here on this earth for a purpose�to teach each other something�and what that is, I do not know. So, why cut your life shorter than it should be, or why try to push yourself further when you know it�s your time. As the Beatles say, �to everything�there is a season�and a time for every purpose�� They are absolutely right. There is a time for sadness and a time for happiness. So, why do we try to block out the sadness or pretend it�s not there. We shouldn�t be afraid to be sad or try not to bring up sad topics, it can only make us stronger. I�m not scared of sad topics. I think it�s important to remember those who touch our lives. �It is better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all� � Shakespeare. We learn something very special from the ones we have lost, that life on earth is finite, but memories can live forever. Things that you teach others can truly make a difference. Make a difference in others lives before it�s too late, and you leave this world and think, �what have I done?�� what have you done? It�s not about the bad things that you did you are being punished for. It�s about the good things that you did, where you may have gone unrecognized for it, or you did it out of the goodness of your heart and didn�t need anyone to reciprocate. As you learn from the great leaders of our time, they wanted to give back to society. We should all try to give something back because you definitely can�t take anything with you when you�ve leave.
11:03:57 PM

Today is daddy's birthday. It's his first birthday without him. He would have been 76. I miss him so much! Nobody will ever take his place in my heart and he knows that!!! I want to just give him a BIG HUG!!! He was the best dad ever, and the best dad anyone could want or even dream about having as a father. And, there he is, A LEGEND! He's in everyone's memory and will be remembered by all he touched. I know everyone probably thinks there dad is the BEST dad, but I REALLY think my dad is the GREATEST. I just wish I could give him one more hug or kiss to let I know I love him and that I will NEVER forget him. If only I could be more like him, do things like he did, influence people like he did, care about others first and foremost, and love life to it's fullest. Every day I remember/think about him and every day I try to be more and more like him. He has to live on through me now. And, I know that will be a hard task for me to undertake, and definitely some big shoes to fill, but that is what/who I aspire to be like. He's my HERO! Not some band, or some artist, or some actor or some writer or some football player, or anyone else. My dad is my hero.
9:28:37 PM

I feel like I am a little rat in a little cage, spinning on a little wheel and I am getting nowhere. I am where I was a day ago and I am going to be tomorrow where I am today. I am never going to change. I will never have a tidy house or car or office. My things will never be organized. I have wonderful systems that never get used. My journal will never be caught up to where it should be. I will never have my photos completely organized. I will never be caught up with paperwork. I will never finish my TO DO lists. I will never know what it is like to be another person, who can go just let go. I am constantly thinking. All I do is think about the things I need to do, want to do, have to do. I am never FINISHED with anything. I have never finished anything in my life. I always start things and never finish them. My life has always been like that. I start one thing and then move onto another and then, incorporate something else. I must have 20-30 different things going on at once, and we haven't even mentioned thoughts that never make it to action. I feel like I will never finish anything, and that eats away at me inside and I never feel satisfied. And sometimes I think it's a good thing, because that's what keeps me motivated, the never ending quest to finish the unfinishable, to conquer the conquerable, to think the unthinkable, to do what is impossible (to others)! However, I get so frustrated, and I can NEVER relax and just enjoy myself, and that's the worst part about my life. Even when I try to relax, I can never REALLY relax, or I face the consequences, where I will get even more behind with my life, and all I have to do is work twice as hard to catch up. I just wish sometimes that I could just start my life all over again... and do things right the first time, stay organized with everything, and only do one thing at a time, so I don't frustrate myself into an endless abyss of thoughts, where time eats away at my soul and I am the only force that change the world, if I ever get out of the abyss.
8:25:41 PM

I don�t know if I should be talking about this or if anyone wants to hear this, however I feel it is important to discuss how I feel and remember a friend, Derek.

I really didn�t know him for very long, or really get to know him very well, however, he touched my life and I am thankful for that. And, I wish I could have done more for him, or more to thank him.

He was a neighbor who Jon and I randomly came into contact with because Jon left an old monitor of his outside the door once, and he asked if we were going to throw it away, if he could have it. So, we gave him the monitor and he said if there was anything else he could do for us, with regard to computers, to let him know. So, one day, I got home from work before Jon and had recently brought my computer over to Jon�s because of the hurricane, I didn�t want to leave it at my house unattended. So, I randomly called Derek to see if he could look at my computer and help fix the problems I was having. And, he said to bring the computer over right then, so I did. I had a lot of viruses and adware, and whatever else. My computer would hardly start up. So he said he would help me re-format it and save my stuff somewhere else, and start over from scratch with a new clean system. So, he did that for me and did an awesome job. And, I was so happy to actually be able to use my computer again.

Then, Jon and I called today to ask Derek something and his sister answered the phone, and told us that Derek died recently, and she found out on Tuesday because he wasn�t answering her calls. And, Jon and I felt horrible, however there was nothing we could have done. We knew he was going through chemo and taking medication, but we never really knew how bad it was.

And, it really gets you thinking about life, and how short it really is. And then, you think WHAT IF?

• What if I had been too busy call him to fix my computer? We wouldn�t have really gotten to know him. And, what if I had put it off and decided to ask him today to fix my computer? I feel like maybe he was an angel and he was on this earth to help other people fix their problems, i.e. computer problems. And, he definitely made a difference in my life. And, I am so glad that actually took the time to go to him for help. It seems almost like a dream, looking back, that he came into my life and mysteriously fixed my computer.
• What if I had stopped by after he fixed my computer to say hello? Would that have made him have a more enjoyable last few days?
• Was there anything we could have done to help him? What if we had done more with him? Or what if we started hanging out with him more and being better friends? Would that have made a difference?
• What if we had never met him and never known about him? People do that every day. Sometimes we think we are too busy to stop and say hello to people or ask them how their day is going. And, it�s sad but true. Sometimes we get so caught up in our own lives. It makes me feel so sad when I think about Derek, however it makes me feel happy that we knew him, and took the time to acknowledge a neighbor and say hello.
• What if you knew you only had a few days/a few months to live, what would you do with your life? How would you spend your time here? Who would you spend time with? What sort of things would you do? Where would you go?
• What would the world be like without pain and suffering? What if everyone was healthy? And, what if we all had the same opportunities in life?
• What can we do in the future to make sure that we don�t miss opportunities to help people? It may not have been much what I gave Derek in return for fixing my computer, but it was probably the best $150 I ever spent, because I knew it was going to a good cause and it helped me out tremendously. And, I will never forget it.

Now, every time I turn on my computer, I will remember Derek and think of him. And, how he made me realize the simple things in life. It�s not about who has the most money or the most friends or who has the biggest house, or whatever else. His story should teach us all to stop and smell the roses everyone once in a while, Recognize the simple things in life and thank God that he gave us a life to live. And thank God for our friends and family and for everything we have. Because in the end, all that matters is people, people who care about you and people that you care about. Pay attention to others, listen to what they have to say. There is more to life than what it seems. And, what may seem important in the short-term may not be what�s really important in the long-term. And, what we need to do is care about others and treat others how we would like to be treated. And, most importantly, don�t forget about the simple things in life. Say hello to random people. Make people happy by doing nice little things for them every once in a while. Tip well. Never forget to say thank you. Hold the door open for someone else. Give a little bit of what you earn to your favorite charity/those who aren�t as fortunate as you. Don�t forget about other people. You wouldn�t be where you are if it weren�t for other people. There is always someone that helped to get to where you are today, whether it be something small or something big that they did to help. And, most importantly, take time to recognize others and treat them with respect. Don�t get too caught up in things that aren�t that important. Remember, Derek and be a person who makes a difference in others� lives, before it�s too late.

6:45:10 PM

I keep thinking that I don�t matter in the grand scheme of things. Why do I work so hard? Why do I care so much about my job? Does anything I do matter? Do I really need to do all the work that I do? Does anyone notice? Do they care? I am starting to really get frustrated/discouraged at work. I am really bad at handling rejection. I am not used to people rejecting me. I lost a big client to another Ameriprise advisor in another state and had a lot of cancellations this week. It�s just hard for me to deal with rejection because I am naturally a very caring person and feel emotions. It�s hard. Anyway, it makes me think about if anything I do is worth it? Am I meant to do this? Am I going to make it big? I am going to get to the next level, and ever be well known in my field? And, how will that happen? And, what if it doesn�t? Will I remain a peon forever? Am I meant to be one of the top achievers or not? Maybe I have been kidding myself. I thought I was doing really well and knew this was the job for me because I can really make a difference in people�s lives. But, I am sick of working so hard and feel like now, maybe I am meant to do something else. But what? And, what about my clients? I told them all I would be around and that I�m not going anywhere. I can�t let them down. I can�t leave my clients. But, every week, there is one day where I feel like giving up, and then, I just keep going. And, I guess that is what I�m supposed to do. That�s how Condeleeza Rice got to be where she is�Michael Jordan, Ken Griffey Jr., Jay Leno, etc., really anyone well-known. They had to start somewhere, as a peon, like me. So, I am in the same place many other people have been before. I guess I just need to find my passion and stick with it. Help people! That�s what I do best. I really care. I am real. I care about others more than myself. And, as Nietsche says (or something along these lines), �that which does not kill, only makes me stronger.� So, my point is: everyone starts off as a peon. It�s just through hard work and determination that they reach the top. I yearn to be at the TOP, and be well-known across the city, state and nation. I want to make a difference. But, can any one person ever make a difference, or does it �take a village?� I want to make a difference in people�s lives and truly help them. I want to be known for my work because I am extremely good at it. But most importantly, I not just think, but I know I will make it to the top. And, I have people telling me all the time, �Kelly, you will be very successful at what you do,� even people who don�t even know me. They just see something in me or see something they like about me, that radiates out of me. And, how is success quantified? How far up is considered successful? And, when I get there, will I be satisfied? I hope that I can maintain a duality consisting of being satisfied, and not being satisfied. Maybe I should put it like this, Constantly happy and grateful, but never satisfied.� I should be �content, yet never truly satisfied. And, that is how I will keep motivated, because I want something more because something more exists. Yet, I will not be miserable now because I am not completely satisfied. The journey seems so easy and at the same time so difficult. It�s easy to be content, but not so easy to be satisfied. And, it�s easy to start the journey, but to finish is another story. It takes ambition, motivation, trial and error, rejection, creativity, and perseverance. And, I am ready to do it. I�m ready to go and find my path to the finish. I figure I started this career, this life. I might as well, do all I can do, live life to it�s fullest. My dad always asked me growing up �did you do your best?� I would reply �yes,� of course. And he would say, �then, that�s all you can do.� And, it�s very true. I have to keep that motivation now and DO MY BEST, NO MATTER WHAT. Take the journal, succeed, finish it! If somebody�s got to do it, if somebody has to be at the top, WHY NOT ME?
10:06:12 PM

One of the things I like to do to relax and unwind after a tiring day is listen to music and look at photos. First of all, I love music and I am sad I don�t have as much time to listen to music as I used to. In addition, pictures are really soothing. I don�t know why, but looking at pictures tends to make me relaxed and it puts me in a sort of dream-like state, as I think about the past. Why does it make me happy to think about things that already happened and aren�t happening again. Today I was looking at my Vegas and Colorado pics from last summer. I had an amazing 6 or 7 days and it was really nice to get away and enjoy life. It feels like it was just yesterday. I can�t believe a whole year has gone by. And, that was my last real vacation. Then, I got to looking at more albums and before you know it, I went through like hundreds and hundreds of photos. And you know what? I really miss college. And most importantly, I miss my friends. I will never forget the great memories we had and I will never forget those friends. I feel like my life was so different about a year ago, and I question �am I still the same person?� �Do my friends think I have changed?� �Is this the life I really want?� I hope I am doing the right thing. But, do I want to grow up this fast? I feel like I am the oldest 22 year old I know. I feel like I am like 28 at age 22. But, I think part of that is my desire to always learn and to work hard. But, am I working too hard or too much? I am only 22. I miss those college years and my friends. Same with highschool. I miss those years too. Everything was so easy, all you had to worry about was family and friendships. There were no other worries, like making enough to money to support yourself and all your bills. And, you have to budget. I never knew what a budget was in highschool or college. I just spent money and enjoyed it. Now, it all comes out of my pocket and only my pocket, so it�s not as fun to spend money. But, back to the point � life isn�t the same now. I feel like I am neglecting my friends and family for my career. I miss them. I feel so far away, not just because of location, but factors beyond that. I feel disconnected. Am I really the same Kelly? I feel old and wrinkly compared to my friends who haven�t aged yet. I miss being young. I am scared to go either direction: forward or back. Scared to be too young and not grow up, and also I am scared that I may be growing up too fast and not enjoying being young. Where am I? Am I where I want to be? Is this what I want or what I tell myself I want? Is this for real? Am I FOR REAL? Is this me? Do I want this life? Is this what I should be doing? I really want to go back to my old memories and relive them. I could spend hours upon hours, days upon days looking at photo albums and believe me I have plenty of photos to choose from. These photos create a myriad of memories for me to look back on and I feel like my life story can be told through pictures, which is pretty cool. And, it�s interesting how just looking at photos can bring about so many emotions, like happiness, sadness, regret, depression, love. How can something that is tangible, like a photo, represent the intangible(the memories) and bring about emotions below the surface. It�s amazing to me how our thought process and emotions work, as humans. After the sensation of happiness from seeing old photos has subsided, the biggest emotion that comes into place at that point is depression. I really miss those memories and wish I could relive them and realize that they can�t be re-instantiated. And it�s not remembering the memories that really gets to me; the remembering makes me happy. It�s once the realization that those memories have passed and they can�t be recreated, the feeling of that scene in the photo can never be re-felt. It�s gone and can never come back. Those moments are lost forever. So, really, all of this rambling really boils down to one idea. Memories and feelings at a particular point in time can never be recreated, so enjoy every moment. Live every day like it was your last. Don�t be afraid to give life your all. Don�t be afraid to let everything out, share your feelings, your love for people, your love for life. Don�t be afraid to be yourself. Let life flow! Seize the day, the hour, the moment, and don�t let a moment pass you by where you didn�t make the best of it. Enjoy life! And, if you aren�t enjoying life now, and you have to look back at pictures to remember the good feelings you had in moments prior, then you are doing something wrong. You need to make a change. And, that�s the great thing about being our own beings, we have the ability to do whatever we want and be whatever we want to be. It�s a curse and blessing at the same time, depending on how you look at it. But, all in all, that�s life, that�s our existence and we only have a limited amount of time on this earth and the rest is unknown, so we need to live life to it�s fullest and do unto others as you would have them do unto you. It�s as simple as that. If everybody lived by those 2 principles, the world would be a perfect place! But, of course that would defeat the purpose of our existence. There would be no challenge. So of course some people have to break the rules and ruin everything for the rest of us. Some people get too greedy. And, if they re-evaluated their existence and went back to a simplistic existence, those 2 principles sum up our purpose on this earth. It's that simple. Sometimes we let other tangible/material things get in our way, and once those things are taken from us, we come back to reality and what really matters.

1. Seize the day!
(Carpe diem!)
2. Treat others how you would like to be treated.

8:18:21 PM

I am presently going through probably the biggest decison of my life thusfar. I made a decision about where I would go to college, approximately a $40,000 decision that lasted for 4 years. I made a decision as to where I wanted to live after college, about a $20,000 decision for that year, including moving, rent, etc. I made a decision about where I would work, where I wanted to start my career, how I would earn a living. And, NOW, it's the BIGGEST DECISION OF THEM ALL, and it's on my own. Where do I want to BUY a house and what type of place do I want to make my own. This is the biggest purchase I have ever made and it is something I will have to live with for the next 30 years based on the mortgage payments, or less based on selling it. But, still, it will have more impact than anything else I have ever done, and it will be my biggest payment I have ever had in my life. Luckily I don't have student loans or anything and can just worry about paying for te house at this time. And, I do feel it is time. I am ready to take on this responsibility. I want to move on with my life and make my mark. I am confident in myself, and to tell you the truth, I have never felt more confident about anything. My overall confidence is at it's peak. Life is good. I have an amazing boyfriend, work is going well (great clients, great job), my family loves me. I have everything I could ask for, and MORE. And, I am at the point where I am ready to take on the world and become truly independent. I have graduated from college, moved away from the family, found an area I enjoy living in, and now, I want to own something, to be apart of my surroundings. It's the concept of owning that really turns some people on and I admit that I get a little excited about it too. But, to be completely honest, I will not buy something unless I am truly passionate about it. That's how I am with everything in my life. It's the artist in me I think. But, to have a place to call my own, call my HOME, that's very meaningful to me. I lived in my parent's home, my apartments, etc., but this will be my very own home and no one else's, just a single person home. And, I want it so bad I can taste it. I made an offer on a townhome in Boynton Beach and I am so excited and scared and frustrated and worried at the same time. I don't know what is going to happy. I am so scared of the unknown, as we can tell from reasons I write about the past. But, I just want everything to work out and I just want to have my new home now! I want to know what the sellers are thinking...But, I guess I will never know. I just hope they accept and I have a HOME, not a house, a HOME.
11:14:43 AM

It has been brought to my attention that maybe I have been wasting my time. It was my goal to write a journal for my years in college, but do I really need to continue it now? Is it necessary. If you add up all the hours I have spent working on my journal over the years, I could have created 20 websites, had 2,000 meetings, sailed around the world 3 times, etc. I'm not sure of the exact numbers, but if for 5 years, I spent about a half hour a day working on it, I could have used that time for something more productive. I could have written a book about my life or a book about dad which I told myself I was going to do a few years ago and never got around to it. Or finish Blog of Kel, to it's full potential or work on Log Of Life. But, no, I continue to waste time writing in my journal every night. But, maybe it's really not a waste of time. Maybe it's my way of unwinding, my way of letting go, my way of saying goodbye to a great day, my way of letting my brain put down it's thoughts. So, it's maybe a sort of psycological thing and it keeps me sane, to let out my thoughts since I don't always have someone to talk to, someone I can trust. and this is my way of letting go and moving on with my life. It's my way of keeping myself happy, because I rationalize things and look at the good and bad in every situation, and most importantly, I learn from those situations. I learn from my mistakes. And believe it or not, I think writing in my journal makes me a stronger and smarter person, and especially more mature. Not only do I live life and experience things, and I write about them as well. The act of talking about things that happen in my life allows me to analyze the situation and realize how I could have handled the situation better next time. So, it's been a TRUE learning experience and maybe all the writing does account for my maturity level. I feel that I have grown up more over the past 4 years than any other period in my life. I feel that I truly went from being a teenager to an adult. It's been a journey, like a rite of passage and the discussion of that process. And, I feel like I am lightyears ahead of most people my age, as far as understanding people, their behaviors, their wants and needs, their thoughts, their good and bad characteristics, etc. I feel like I went from being 18 to age 34 or so, and glossed over the areas in between. 4 years just flew by, and yet I learned so much. I am not sure what to do from here. Do I continue the journal just becuase it makes me feel fullfilled and it's my therapy? Or do I let it go, and no longer think of the past, and move on to other things, and maybe write a book or screenplay? What is the most valuable use of my time? Is it worth it for me to keep writing in my journal?
9:31:03 PM

I am presently going through probably the biggest decison of my life thusfar. I made a decision about where I would go to college, approximately a $40,000 decision that lasted for 4 years. I made a decision as to where I wanted to live after college, about a $20,000 decision for that year, including moving, rent, etc. I made a decision about where I would work, where I wanted to start my career, how I would earn a living. And, NOW, it's the BIGGEST DECISION OF THEM ALL, and it's on my own. Where do I want to BUY a house and what type of place do I want to make my own. This is the biggest purchase I have ever made and it is something I will have to live with for the next 30 years based on the mortgage payments, or less based on selling it. But, still, it will have more impact than anything else I have ever done, and it will be my biggest payment I have ever had in my life. Luckily I don't have student loans or anything and can just worry about paying for te house at this time. And, I do feel it is time. I am ready to take on this responsibility. I want to move on with my life and make my mark. I am confident in myself, and to tell you the truth, I have never felt more confident about anything. My overall confidence is at it's peak. Life is good. I have an amazing boyfriend, work is going well (great clients, great job), my family loves me. I have everything I could ask for, and MORE. And, I am at the point where I am ready to take on the world and become truly independent. I have graduated from college, moved away from the family, found an area I enjoy living in, and now, I want to own something, to be apart of my surroundings. It's the concept of owning that really turns some people on and I admit that I get a little excited about it too. But, to be completely honest, I will not buy something unless I am truly passionate about it. That's how I am with everything in my life. It's the artist in me I think. But, to have a place to call my own, call my HOME, that's very meaningful to me. I lived in my parent's home, my apartments, etc., but this will be my very own home and no one else's, just a single person home. And, I want it so bad I can taste it. I made an offer on a townhome in Boynton Beach and I am so excited and scared and frustrated and worried at the same time. I don't know what is going to happy. I am so scared of the unknown, as we can tell from reasons I write about the past. But, I just want everything to work out and I just want to have my new home now! I want to know what the sellers are thinking...But, I guess I will never know. I just hope they accept and I have a HOME, not a house, a HOME.
11:14:43 AM

On a side note, about feeling comfortable around someone. Just to start a list, I know I am truly comfortable around someone when:

1. I trust him/her driving my car without me in it
2. When I let him/her stay at my house when I am not there (for any amount of time, some people can find things easily in a matter of minutes if they are curious enough)
3. I can keep my laptop unlocked around him/her
4. I am not afraid to do things I have never done before with him/her
5. I have met his/her parents and we get along well
6. I am not scared to let out my feelings about life/love, in a stream of consciousness fashion
7. When I let that other person read parts of my journal
8. When I am not scared to tell embarassing stories of my childhood
9. When I am not scared to let the other person photograph me naked
10. If I feel comfortable going to the bathroom at that person's house
11. If I let the other person buy me clothes without me picking them out
12. If I really let the other person know, word for word, what I am actually thinking, not just some rendition of my thoughts
13. When i can let out how I feel about religion and politics without fear of the other person judging me
14. When I am not worried about the other person stealing my possessions, especially my dreams and ideas
15. When I am not scared to get all sweaty around that person
16. If I can shave my legs in front of that person or pluck my eyebrows or whatever
17. If we shower together
18. If I am on top of a building/skyscraper and not scared that the other person may push me off
19. If I can call him/her at any hour of the day/night
20. ...And I am positive there will be many more additions to this list...

7:27:34 PM

When can you truly feel comfortable around someone? At what point does your real personality come out? When does the significant other's true personality come out? Can it be at different times, and if your's comes out 1st, will you ever know what the other person is really like or does it always remain a mystery. This is a little phenomenon that I have noticed in prior relationships. For the 1st 6 months of any relationship, you are just so happy to be with someone and you don't see them as often, you may still go out on dates, etc. Then, once all the glitter and the shine is gone, and you start to LIVE WITH the person on multiple levels, you really start to see who they really are, little by little. And, I used to think that I was different, that I was the only person who was truly real, and had real relationships, etc., and this never happens to me, only the people that I date. But, as I grow older, I can see my different personalities and how being in a relationship with a different person, can influence the way you act and think. Although you don't intend for it to happen, you start to think like the other person, and know what they want and what they are thinking. And, I think the natural feelings of wanting to understand the other person translates into wanting to be like them. As we know, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. So, this tends to happen in the 1st 6 months.

First, you start off with your own personality, and your own way of life. You meet another person you are attracted to, and you start to come up with all the things that you have in common with that person, because you assume that will make a good relationship and then you will have things to talk about, etc. So, you talk about things you both enjoy, you eat the types of food you both enjoy, you do things you both enjoy and you remember the things about the other person that you want to. You tailor your view of them as what you want them to be. And, you think that if there are things that you don't like about him/her, you may be able to change that in the future, so it's not a big deal. So, life goes on, you go to the next stage. You start to feel like you are getting to know them better. You learn about their life before you and their family and then, you may even sleep over at each others' homes. The relationship is strengthening, but you still don't see reality. You just want love and want to be loved like no one else has loved you before. You think that everything is going so well. This could be the one.

The next major step is the moving in part, which not everyone can handle. This really shows that you are letting someone else into your world and once you let them in, they see how you live, how you act on a daily basis. There is nothing they can hide. They trust you. They are fine with you looking through their old photo albums, you are fine with them eating the last cookie in the cookie jar, etc. You have moved on to another level. You emotionally feel comforable with another person.

Yet, it has only been 6 months. And, the crazy part is, that you feel like you really know the other person and since you see them all the time day and night, you get to know their little idiocincracies and tendancies. And, they know yours. Then, you both start to let out more than you even thought you could. The things that never annoyed you before, annoy you now and now, it becomes a process of toleration. How much can you tolerate? What things about the other person can you tolerate? How long can you tolerate these things? These are tough questions and are answered in due time. And, really the biggest test of time, is if you can tolerate. 25 year marriages, 50 year marriages, etc. are built upon toleration. It's not that you love that person's personality so much that you never want to leave them, etc. or that the sex is so amazing that you will never leave. It is really built upon TOLERATION. If you can be with that person all day and not get annoyed, that is a first step. If you can be with someone for 25 years, and not give up, tolerate it, that is amazing to me. Obviously love and other factors play into this somewhat, but it all comes back to, how much can you tolerate, how much can the other person tolerate? When will you crack?

And, it's interesting to me that that's really what it's all about and there are 3 cracking stages: 1. When do you come out of your shell and be yourself around that person? When do you start to feel comfortable? 2. When do you let them into your life? When can you trust them? 3. When do you let it all out, and finally crack? When can you not take any more of being with that person? When can you no longer TOLERATE? I see these are the 3 cracking points in any relationship. Some people only get to step one. Some only get to step 2. And, a rare amount get to step 3 and that is what reality is all about. Pushing off the lovey-dovey romance fascade and seeing love for what it really is, toleration. Loving someone is easy. Feeling comforable around someone is a little bit harder. Trusting someone is even harder. But, truly tolerating someone is what it is all about.

And the sad part is, some make it some don't. And that's all a divorce is, is the point at which you cannot tolerate the other person's personality and idiocincracies anymore. You have put up with it for long enough and you are ready to move on. It's not because those tendencies weren't there before, and it's not because you don't love each other anymore. The love is still there. It's the other little things that you get annoyed at that eventually eat at you until there is nothing left for it to chew on. Then, you are burnt out and need a change, need a fresh start. And, this all depends on our personality type. Some people's bodies can withstand heat more than others, some can withstand the cold more than others. Some people's hearts and minds can withstand another's internal being and personality more than others. So, your tolerance together with the other person's tolerance level play a game with one another. It is 5 factors that really come into play: 1. your personality 2. your tolerance level 3. your partner's personality 4. your partner's tolerance level 5. any other external factors, such as issues, situations, or environment, or even monetary issues. (EX: you could feel like you and the other person have the perfect friendship, but maybe you have to scrimp and save for everything...money is tight, and you can't take feeling like you can never get ahead anymore, and it may not directly be the other person's fault, but that may have an effect on it. And, on the other hand, what if you have LOTS of $ and wih lots of $, brings problems and issues, that you may not have had if you didn't have $ and one's personality can play out when faced with different external factors.) And, these 5 factors determine if you can be with another person for the rest of your life, assuming everything else in a normal relationship is there (i.e. love, happiness, fun, kindness, etc.). And, it is really sad to say it but, a long relationship is a product of emotional toleration. Can you take it and how much can you take?

7:27:34 PM

You know you really love/care about someone when you will give up dinner for sex...Especially me. Food is something I can defintely not live without, and especially good food. So, for me to forgo dinner for sex, that means that person is really special to me. And, if it is great sex, I can't even think about food, or anything else going on around me. The rest of the world doesn't matter. You are on top of the world. Nothing is better, not even the best fondue or best sushi. Not even for Ichiban and we all know how much I love that place. It's crazy to think this way and I never thought that I could resist a good meal for anything because food is so important to me. And, I never realized this before. There were times before in my life, while during sex, all I could think about was going out to dinner afterwards and how hungry I was or how much I wanted a juicy steak. But the truth is that you shouldn't be having those thoughts during sex. And if you are, something is wrong...you need to re-evaluate the situation. So, from here on out, I will not have sex with someone unless I know I am willing to give up dinner for him. That means he's a keeper! If you can't think of anything else but him when you are with him. That's the key to understanding if the relationship will last. IS SEX MORE IMPORTANT THAN DINNER? If not, it's time to make a change.
9:42:57 PM

It's now or never...and that's it! No if's, and's or but's. There are no second chances. So seize the day, the moment, the hour. Get motivated! Ball up! Stop looking back at the past and analyzing it. It's in the past. What are you going to do going forward? What are you going to do for the rest of your life? Are you going to make changes and if you are going to, how are you going to do it? And, just fucking do it! No excuses. Either you can be a top producer or you can be on the bottom rung, waiting to be cast off into the sea. It's your choice, it's your life. And, nobody's going to live it for you! Nobody is going to look out for you! Nobody is going to do your work for you! There's no where to run and hide. There's no one to turn to, no one to blame. It's your life and no one elses. No one cares about you, so you shouldn't care about them. You need to care about yourself and do what's best for you. And screw everyone else. Break their balls! Show them who's boss. Show them who knows what to do with their life. And, that's it. That's you. Just do it! Make your mark! Make yourself known and never give up. Keep moving forward. Fuck the fucking past. Stop reminiscing. No worries...make a change. Do the damn thing. Get it done! Do it and don't stop! Never stop. Never let go. Never give up. And do it for yourself. Do it for everything you believe in. Don't do it for anyone else. It's your life and you have to live with it! So, is it now or never? black or white? real or fake? passion or no passion? love or hate? It's that easy. It's that simple. It's just that... Do it NOW!
8:49:49 PM

I am not much of a fan of organized religion lately. It's great for people who enjoy it, but I really don't get that much out if it. I enjoy thinking about things on my own, appreciating things on my own, praying on my own. But, looking back on my life and looking at others' lives, and watching other people grow up and trying to figure out why some people turn to the wrong things and never go anywhere and why some people become great people and great leaders. I FINALLY am feeling like everything is starting to come together. I went to a Catholic Elementary and Middle School and I know that this doesn't hold true for everyone, but I feel that doing that and being involved in church, at a young age, has helped shape and mold who I am. Some of my friends who never had God or a god in their lives growing up were not as successful as I have been because I had something to believe in, something to think about, a reason for doing good and a reason to be a good person. Not to say that everyone who grows up with God is going to be a good person or that everyone who grows up without God is going to be a bad person. But, I feel that when I have children, even if I dont believe in organized religion or if my husband doesn't believe in God, I want my children to get a religious education at a young age. They can decide whatever they want to believe when they grow up, but by giving them at least something to believe in at a young age, they have something to strive for, and have a reason to DO GOOD (be a good person). No matter what religion or belief system they are introduced to, they should just be introduced to something. You don't give a 5 year old the choice: Do you want to believe in God and go to church or not believe in God and you don't have to go to church. Of course the child would choose not to go to church. Church is no that fun to a child. I know I hated it. If I was given a choice at that age, I may have chose not to believe in God and then, I would have lost motivations and beliefs I have today, and I may not be such a strong and caring person as I am today.

Right now, I am old enough and strong enough to make my own decisions I feel, and I don't really go to church anymore, but the point is that if I hadn't gone to church at a young age, I wouldnt have the morals and ideals that I have today. I am very thankful for that, even though I am not really a religious person anymore. I feel like I am still very spiritual though. But, some of my friends who didn't go to church at a young age, didn't really have the dicipline to do good things for others because they later believed that there's no God. And, if you live your life like that, it's much more depressing, and what is there to live for? Why live if there is nothing after this life? Why live if our existence doesn't have a purpose? I feel everyone's life has a purpose. And, what would happen if we all thought that there was no God and no reason to do the right thing? The world would be total chaos, even worse that it is now. All I have to say is, even though I am not religious right now, being religious as a little kid, really had a tremendous impact on my ideas and morals and well-being. And, I am thankful that my parents' raised me the way they did becuase I am happy with who I am and wouldnt change myself for anyone else. I am happy I have morals and ideals and would never want to be on the opposite end of the spectrum.

9:30:46 AM

I feel that recently I have been revitalized. I am starting to think clearer, see things for what they are, make my own decisions (and make them faster), do my own things, have my own motivations (not based on what other people want to do with their lives). I'm going through a very person and individual phase of my life, some of it may be because I am on my own for the very first time, living all alone. I used to think it would be scary, but after just taking the leap and jumping straight into my OWN life now, I am exstatic and really can't remember a happier time. No offense to anyone. It's more of a coming out my shell, growing up thing. I feel considerably older than I was 6 weeks ago even. I feel like I am 27 or 28 in a 22 year old's body. It's like I have learned so much, experienced so much, and done so many things throughout my life and never had time to sit down and take it all in and I may never have the time to take it all in, although I wish I did. And, that unveils the greatest mystery of them all. Why do I write about things or take pictures of everything. Because I want to capture the moments and know that time goes by so fast that I don't have the TIME now to sit and really take it all in and enjoy it. Although I am enjoying life more on a surface level, only when you get to go back and see things from an objective point of view, maybe after they happen, can you really understand and appreciate life and all it's vicissitudes. So, that is why I write and why I paint and why I take pictures and why I like stories, becuase I like to appreciate the little things and the big things in life. And by doing this, I always stay focused and motivated and hardly ever get depressed or upset for long periods of time. If anyone is ever depressed, just look at old photos or old writings that you have, it will really take your mind off being upset and let you realize what is important in life and appreciate the little things. I don't know why this is all happening now, why I am becoming inspired to write and let things out and appreciate life, but it's amazing. I have never been happier because things are coming together, and I am beginning to really GET things. It's amazing. Never stop thinking, stop writing, stop seeing, stop sensing, and stop appreciating. Life is what you make it, so make it!
9:30:46 AM

Without it, we are nothing. All is nothing. What good is anything if it is not authentic, whether Italian food or a personality or whatever else it may be. Who wants to live in a fake world where nothing is real or authentic? I definitely don�t. If we take the authenticity out of any object or person or thing, there is no longer a purpose for it�s existence. It is not �of something which is TRUE,� anymore. Authentic things radiate truth, and that can never be mistaken for anything false. When you see something real or authentic, you can tell at first glance, at second glance and at any glance. And that�s because it radiates a beauty that cannot be truly described in words. It just is and you that it IS. Would you rather have a real tree in your yard or a fake tree? Have a real fossil in a museum or a fake fossil to look at? There is something about things that are authentic that makes them stand out. They cannot be taken for granted, or our world will be overwhelmed with the imitations. We can even talk about breasts. Fake breasts are obviously nice, but they don�t radiate the inner beauty that can be found in REAL breasts �the courage, the individuality, the reality. Think about it, that which is authentic, is very individual as well. A person with a personality that is truly authentic and genuine will go far in life. He or she has nothing to hide because there is no fascade, there is no mirror image, there is no imitation. And when you see or know that personality, you know that it is real and unwavering. It is easier for something that is fake/not authentic to be confused with �the authentic,� but �the authentic� can never be confused with the imitation. There is something deeper in any thing, person, place, etc. that is authentic. It goes beyond the surface, and can be seen on a level above the surface. Sometimes it takes one to know one, as well, because those that are fake can never get passed their own fascade, and their vision of both the fake and the authentic is cloudy. So, it makes it even harder for those that are fake to know what is true and what is fake. But, it is an amazing thing to see things on this other level, and to be able to distinguish between the fake and authentic on a level both above and below the surface of any object or person. It radiates from within and without and only �the authentic� will ever know. �So, in other words, please be true�(Thanks Frankie Sinatra!)
1:24:02 AM

Time is valuable, and especially my time. I came to this realization today. There are only 24 hours in a day, and 7 days in a week and 365 days in a year. Because there is a limited quanity of time in a year or week or month or whatever, my time is valuable. It's kind of like a limited edition of a car or a # of prints from a specific piece of artwork, deodorant, even makeup, etc. For example, they don't make my favorite deodorant anymore, and I dont know what to do about it, but I recently had to purchase a different kind because I didn't stock up enough back in the day. It's all gone, so I am going to have to learn to live without that brand. And, same thing with my favorite color lipstick, they don't make it anymore. There are so many things like this, where our choices are limited. And, time is one of them. Sadly enough, once time is gone you can never return it or ask for a refund, as you can without things. There may be regrets, but no returns. Wouldn't life be better if we could return our time and try again. But, so basically what i am saying to you, is that it is INCREDIBLY important to live life to the fullest, now, this time around, because there may not be a next time, and there will not be a next time. You will never be 22 years old again, or be thinking about the same things at the same place ever again. As Ralph Waldo Emerson states in "Nature," "each moment of the year has it's own beauty, a picture which was never seen before, and which shall never be seen again." Two moments will never be the same. Maybe that is why it is so important to me to capture every moment, whether it be through writing, art, photography, music, etc. Every moment is different and more intriguing than the next. And there is no way to change the impression one gets from that scene or moment, or go back to it, once it's gone, it is gone. So, better capture that moment now and enjoy it. In "Ferris Buhler's Day Off," Ferris says "Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in awhile, you could miss it." And, I find this a very astute observation, and whoever came up with that line was a true genius. All my life I have cared more about the experience of a specific moment, like partying and doing whatever I wanted in college and enjoying my friends' company in high-school, and just enjoying life, vs. being a book worm. I would rather live life vs. sit around and watch someone else. I don't watch the show "The Real World" on MTV because i realize that I live in my own real world everyday, where I make decisions and deal with fun and crazy people, and have things to worry about and talk about all the time. Why do we need to watch other people do the same thing? They are just like everyone else, so why is this Average Joe or Average Mary's life that interesting? The truth is, it's not, and we know that too, but maybe that's what draws us in, commonalities. People are intrigued with others who are alot like them, which brings me to my next topic. If you can gain clients who are like you, the battle has been won. You have things to talk about with them and you can think like them. Well, after getting off track, I would like to wrap up about time. Time should never be wasted because you will never know when you will need it. As most people don't like to lose money. Think about it: Time is Money! No one wants to lose either. Time is obviously most important because you can't double up on time or make up for lost time. You can make up for lost monies, through investments or working harder, etc., but you can never make up for time. You can't rollover minutes or time, except for with some wireless phone companies, but that doesn't really count here. Basically "Carpe Diem" - Live every day to it's fullest, as if it could be your last. Because you never know. Tomorrow soon becomes today and today becomes yesterday and there's nothing you can do about it, but be efficent today. Time is the most important factor in anyone's life and is the deciding factor for most decisions. So, if time is so valuable, why not see the value today vs. tomorrow. Why let another day or moment go by where you don't look around and see what's happening and make the best of the life you have right now? That's all you can influence, understand, see, feel and touch is the HERE AND NOW, and nothing else.
8:49:50 PM